Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
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[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Have a lovely day 😊
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Finally a use for spoilers…
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.