Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
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I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it