Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
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Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property