My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
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DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping