SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
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Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.