I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
You Might Also Like
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
This kid is a star!
eggs benadryl
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.