Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
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Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Your secret is safeish with me
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking