My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
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In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
we did it you guys we saved daylight
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
You can’t outrun your problems…
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Cherry seeds are just the pits.