mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
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doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
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Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.