One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
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You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
#dalle2
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.