Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
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Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
oh you wanna fight?!
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002