if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
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Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?