[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
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I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Okay, I’m still confused…
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Doctors texting each other.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
no!! no!!!!!!
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable