When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
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Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Swedish for common sense.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.