Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
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I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?