FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
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Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!