You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
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When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday