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Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court