If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
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me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.