Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
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UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk