DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
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Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
How do dragons blow out candles?
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.