They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
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My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
gm
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk