Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
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“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.