How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
You Might Also Like
This rocks
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.