(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
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[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.