Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
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[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Animal poetry
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
lol
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
this country is so goddamn polarized
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*