Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
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Only 10 more days til Halloween!
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt