The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
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Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
house sitting!
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”