[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
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Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
🐕🍷
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
How to properly lift a body
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots