When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
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If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
23. the denim jacket
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.