Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
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This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
And now we wait
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.