Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
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People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
yes… yes…
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.