In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
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*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
And then there were 4
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha