Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
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“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
good work, detective
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds