Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
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I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
We need to put an American base on the sun
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]