How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
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me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.