how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
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Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.