I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
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Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
God has left this place
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.