Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
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Phonetics
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
This is a sub tweet
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager