When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
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I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
did it work
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?