We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
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TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?