*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
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Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
I’m about to risk it all
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class