6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
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My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Check your privilege
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History