me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
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Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!