the council will decide your fate
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Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”