Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
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Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Oh boy, $150,000!
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.