You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
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If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
My work here is done
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do