A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
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You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
it was a valiant fight
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?