ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
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Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
reviewed some movies recently
Hey I worked for it too!
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches