You Might Also Like
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.